Same Argument, Different Day? Break the Cycle!

Let’s face it, bickering is exhausting and rarely leads to a peaceful resolution. When the same subjects spark up a fire every single time, as unlikely as it sounds, it might have become an unconscious habit in your relationship and it’s a habit that needs to be broken.

Arguments happen for a reason, ignoring them and sweeping them under the rug won’t help anyone. Before anything can be solved, you and your spouse need to break the cycle of repeated arguments.

Pause

The first, most simple trick may be the hardest. In the heat of an argument, or before it escalates, take a pause, take a deep breath, and hold your comebacks for a few seconds. Just listen. Avoid using this pause to prepare your next attack or to send verbal cues of your disapproval, just pause and try to relax.

It might sound very easy to do, but we are programmed to retort quickly at a false accusation — or anything aimed at us — which often times it only makes matters worse.

If the pause seems to aggravate your partner, make sure to reassure him or her, that you are simply listening to their point of view.

Stay Neutral

During an argument, try to detach yourself as if listening to a friend. The argument will be personal and it might be very uncomfortable to stand there and not defend yourself, however, by staying unbiased you will be able to truly hear your partner and what he or she is trying to communicate.

If you do not fight back with your partner, it might feel as if you are letting him or her win, but you’re not, you are simply diffusing the heat so both of you can eventually be heard. Remember that staying neutral doesn’t mean you disregard your partner’s or your own feelings, it just means stepping out of ‘personal’ and stepping into ‘togetherness’.

Catch The Pattern

If at all possible, try to see the pattern of the argument before it ignites. If this is a repeated argument, you should be able to become aware of what triggers the conflict and heated discussion and catch it before it starts.

You may want to tell your partner that you feel the conversation may lead to an argument and would prefer to talk about it calmly so you can both listen to one another, or wait until both of you are calm. Hopefully, your effort will be shared and both of you can hold off on the conversation, or continue more peacefully.

Discover The Underlying Reason

The difficulty in repeated and heated arguments is to clearly identify the real cause for the arguments. Chances are, the true problem is not about the late hours at work, but more about a feeling of neglect or not being important enough; it is also rarely about the wet towels left on the bathroom floor, but more about feeling that you are the only one taking care of the house.

See your conflicts as symptoms instead of seeing them as the cause of all your troubles. Just like catching a cold, you may have to treat the symptoms in order to feel better and get through the day, but if you don’t start working towards a healthier you, the next cold might be right around the corner waiting for you, just like the same old conflicts will rise in any given occasion until you break the cycle.

No matter what the arguments are about, take some time alone, or together, to reflect on the real emotions that bring up the conflicts. Assess how you feel about the relationship, the routines, and your life in general; you may discover a whole new perspective as to why you tend to fight about the same things repeatedly. Look within and stop pointing fingers, stop looking for who’s right and who’s wrong because when it comes to emotions and feelings, they exist for a reason and need caring attention.