Depressed Partner? 7 Important Ways You Can Help

As one of the most common mental illnesses, there are more than 300 million people who suffer from depression worldwide. Approximately 16 million of those people are in the United States. Unfortunately, depression affects more than the millions who are diagnosed. Depression impacts friends, family members, and loved ones of the person who is suffering, as well. If you are living with a depressed partner, you aren’t alone. While you cannot cure their illness, the following seven ways will help you help them.

1. Learn about depression

Mental illnesses have the most power when there’s no knowledge surrounding them; by seeking to understand depression, you begin to rob it of its power. A significant amount of clinical research has been conducted about depression. There are many articles, books, and professional resources that will provide you with insight into this illness. The internet is your friend but be smart about how you use it. For instance, don’t get stuck in a warp of scary and negative stories. Try sticking only to scholarly articles that are proven and fact-checked, and books and articles recommended by sources you trust.

2. Understand that depression isn’t just sadness

Many people who don’t suffer from depression claim they can relate because they, too, “have experienced sadness or low mood.” While it may be well-intentioned to claim that you’ve “been there,” this minimizes the struggle of the person with depression. Depression is more than just feeling down and out; it’s prolonged feelings of extremely low mood. Depending on the severity, depression symptoms could mean feeling unmotivated or unable to get out of bed in the morning, no interest in attending to personal hygiene, and a lack of appetite or overeating. There is no enjoyment in the activities and experiences that the depressed person previously loved to do. There may also be physical pain associated with depression. Sometimes a depressed partner may even lose relationships with friends and family. They may even lose their job.

3. Encourage them to seek help

Once you’ve picked up on your partner’s depression warning signs, it’s important that they receive proper help. For various reasons, your partner may be resistant to this, so it’s crucial that you provide them with encouragement. Support your depressed partner by doing research on local therapists or psychiatrists. Provide them with the benefits of getting help. Offer to schedule their appointment, sit in their first meeting with the therapist or psychiatrist, or drive them to the appointment and sit in the waiting room with them. Do whatever you can to encourage them to seek help and support them during the process of treatment.

4. Remind them that depression isn’t shameful

Mental health conditions are just as valid as physical ones, regardless of the negative stigma surrounding them. Let your partner know that their illness is nothing to be embarrassed by or ashamed about. Just like you wouldn’t judge someone for going to the doctor for a broken leg, don’t judge someone for going to the doctor for a mental health issue either. It’s important that you practice what you preach. Treat your partner as you normally would; don’t make them feel different or less than because they are depressed.

5. Encourage them to talk about it

Let your loved one know that you are a supportive and safe person and that they can talk to you about anything. You might be met with resistance, so don’t be surprised if your partner doesn’t want to talk to you about their depression right away. All you can do is encourage them to talk to you when they’re ready. When they do confide in you, be prepared to listen. While you’ve done your own research, remember that the experience of depression can look differently from person to person. Don’t automatically assume that what you’ve read always pertains them.

6. Be physically present

Depression feeds off isolation – it tells people to isolate and then it gets worse when they do. You don’t need to put your life on hold or spend every waking moment with your partner but try to be physically present when you can. Suggest outings to do the things they once loved, even if it’s as small as leaving the house to get coffee, run a quick errand, or sit outside in the sun.

7. Get help for yourself

You cannot help another person unless you’ve helped yourself first. You might be focused on your partner’s problem, but it’s important that you’re taken care of emotionally, as well. Look into scheduling a therapy appointment for yourself so that you’re well-equipped to handle the situation.

It’s important to remember that you are NOT the cause of your partner’s depression, and while there are many things you can do to help them along the way, you can’t “cure” them. Encourage your depressed partner to get professional help so that they can start feeling like themselves again.
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Are you, or your spouse or partner, struggling with depression? Is it impacting your relationships? Contact Janie McMahan, MA, LMFT for support and help to navigate this time in your relationship. Call Janie at 512-362-8050 today for scheduling.

Worth the Work: Why Intentional Relationships Are Better

Before we dive straight into why intentional relationships are better, we need to establish what exactly they are. The dictionary defines intentional as “done on purpose; deliberate.” This meaning plays a role in what an intentional relationship is. It involves being active instead of passive and making things happen instead of waiting for them to happen to you.

Intentional relationships are not convenient relationships. They aren’t short term and they are not dictated by the surface level stuff: physical attraction, monetary reasons, friends with benefits, etc. When you enter into an intentional relationship you are proving that you’re in it for the long run.

You fight the hard fights and learn how to work and grow together as a couple. This type of relationship means not giving up when things get tough. Conflict is inevitable, and instead of running away from it, you run towards it, ready to tackle it together.

This sounds like a lot of work, right? So why are intentional relationships better?

Like anything, hard work pays off. The following are just a few of the many benefits that accompany intentional relationships:

They are more successful in the long run:

It’s common for relationships to drift, even romantic ones. After so many years and children together, drifting can be natural. But those who aren’t in intentional relationships don’t care enough to prevent the emotional separation. Part of being in an intentional relationship is noticing when distance begins and finding a way to combat it. These unions have a much better chance at longevity than others.

Intentional relationships are stronger:

As mentioned earlier, conflict and arguments are inevitable, but in intentional relationships, you work through the conflict by practicing appropriate conflict management. You learn how to be open and honest with one another. The more you communicate through your problems instead of letting them win, the more you’ll grow closer to one another.

Intentional relationships make both partners happier:

Your partner is the person who you likely spend most of your time with. They’re the person whom which you share everything– they know your secrets, your fears, your good stuff and your bad stuff– and they love you regardless. But they can only be THAT person for you if your relationship is intentional. Having somebody you love this much and can rely on to that extent, leads to an overall healthier and happier lifestyle.

Wanting an intentional relationship is great, but maintaining one is the hard part. Here are some tips on how to ensure your relationship stays intentional:

Bring the best of yourself into the relationship.

Continue to uphold your values and morals. Listen well, love well and show gratitude and appreciation for your partner.

Support your partner in their dreams and ambitions.

Believe in and support your partner. Use your time and energy to invest in them.

Give more than you take.

If the two of you continually do this, you will both constantly strive to be better for the other.

Make time for each other.

Life will inevitably get in the way and something will always come up. Set a weekly date night that you aren’t allowed to miss, no matter the excuse.

Establish daily rituals together.

While the big things are important, it’s the little things that add up. Find time every day to spend together – read the paper and enjoy a cup of coffee each morning or go on an evening stroll through the neighborhood.

Intentional relationships can be extremely rewarding and fulfilling when you and your partner actively prioritize your life together. Interested in more ideas and tools regarding intentionality? To enhance your relationship, consider couples counseling for additional relationship care and support.

Highly Sensitive Person? How To Tell, Cope, & Thrive

Do loud noises, strong smells and visuals, or rough textures tend to overwhelm you easily?

Does the need for a quiet and private place drive you to withdraw when you feel swamped during a busy day?

Do you get flustered when you have much to do but little time to do it?

Have others ever called you “sensitive” or “shy”?

These traits may mean that you are a highly sensitive person. How would you know for sure?

How to Tell If You Are a Highly Sensitive Person

In general, a highly sensitive person is extremely perceptive and affected by a variety of external stimuli. They are more aware of nuances that others miss, but they’re also easily overwhelmed by sensory input. The main reason for such a response is that their brain processes incoming information more deeply.

What specific aspects would help you determine if you fall into this category?

You may be a highly sensitive person if you…

• Feel uncomfortable in noisy environments – You may have a lower tolerance for loud music events, fireworks displays, or busy open office settings. The sights, smells, sounds, and activities in those situations put your senses into overdrive.

• Become quickly overwhelmed in pressure situations – When things are too chaotic, complex, intense, or different from the norm for a long time, your anxiety level increases notably. You may also struggle with staying on task when you have too many things to handle.

• Retreat when your senses become overloaded – You’re in need of equilibrium at the end of a busy day or week. You need quiet time in a dark bedroom or another private place to find your balance once again.

• Grow angry when you’re hungry – Lack of nourishment may hinder your functioning, and your frustration shows unmistakably.

• “Choke” when you’re under scrutiny – You most likely work best in private. But when you’re put on display, perhaps in front of your boss during a presentation, you often falter under the pressure.

• Have a keen sense of other people’s discomfort – You may easily recognize when someone else feels overwhelmed by a situation.

• Are easily moved by artistic expressions – Paintings, music, movies, or theatrical performances tend to touch you more than others. It’s not just that you have a special appreciation for creativity, but it consistently stirs your deepest emotions.

How to Cope with Being a Highly Sensitive Person

Such aspects as managing your environment and time, as well as taking care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally, lie at the foundation of coping if you are a highly sensitive person.

Consider some examples:

Eat healthy

Eating regular nutritious meals throughout the day will help you keep your blood sugar levels balanced. Intense hunger can be very disruptive for a highly sensitive person and make it hard to concentrate. Greatly limiting caffeine intake may also help you feel more calm and collected.

Reduce sensory disturbances in your environment

Limiting your exposure to stimuli that causes you problems can be done in various ways. For example: To lessen annoyance with bright lights, you could use bulbs with a lower lumen count in your home. Or you could avoid going to places you know have powerful lighting. To reduce agitation from noises, you may want to have at least one quiet space in your home to which you can retreat when you find it necessary.

(Tip: If you’re not at home, consider using noise-reducing headphones to block out the distractions so you can concentrate and have some personal peace of mind.)

Develop a schedule that works for you

A packed timetable will only frazzle you. Adjust your schedule and structure your work and home life in a way that it will give you the time and space to get things done. When you can start your day calm and unrushed, it can carry you through the whole day. And, in order to get all your errands done, you may want to consider living outside an average person’s schedule. That may mean going to the grocery store in the evening or to the movie theater on weeknights.

Make time to relax

After a busy work day or an event that challenged your senses, you must take some time to decompress and find your equilibrium again. Aside from your quiet space and soft lighting, you may want to find other ways to make your home more calming to your senses. Perhaps you can decorate it in a way that is pleasing to your eyes, reduces clutter, or uses gentle and calming aromas. Seek out beautiful surroundings outside your home, during regular walks in nature, restore the peace and balance you desire.

How to Thrive as a Highly Sensitive Person

Aside from just coping with your high sensitivity, you may also want to consider how you can tap into the benefits of your traits.

Yes, there are a lot of benefits. Being a highly sensitive person isn’t anything bad. You don’t need to be fixed!

Consider, for example, that while you may feel difficult emotions with more intensity than others, you can also feel the most beautiful emotions more deeply.

In fact, you can be highly aware and observant of your environment. Also, your capacity for picking up on matters that others miss can provide insight most people don’t have. In turn, that can help you be more empathetic—a very positive and endearing quality that draws others.

This deeper insight can also inspire your imagination, allowing you to construct an intricate and vibrant inner world that fuels creativity, intuition, and clarity. As a matter of fact, high sensitivity and creativeness often go hand-in-hand.

So, don’t ever think that as a highly sensitive person you can’t thrive. Quite to the contrary. Recognizing who you are can lead you to open up to a whole new awareness and understanding of yourself—one in which you thrive, not simply live!

Parent Coaching is a Lifesaver When You Feel Out of Your Depth

Everyone thinks they’re an expert on parenting until they become a parent. Maybe you once believed that parenting would be a breeze. But now that you have a child or children of your own, you feel confused and overwhelmed. You may even find yourself wishing that kids came with an instruction manual.

While no such manual exists, there is something else that can help you become the best parent you can be: parent coaching.

What is parent coaching?

The goal of parent coaching is to identify opportunities for improvement in your childrearing methods, to improve your relationship with your child, and to put things back into perspective when your parental responsibilities become overwhelming.

Typically, a parent coach will meet with the parent or parents for a one-on-one consultation. During this session, you can share your general concerns with the counselor. Be sure to let the coach know whether the issues in your parent-child connection started at a specific time.

Most likely, most of your sessions will involve both parents, or you and the child’s stepparent. Together, you will learn how to best communicate with your child, help your child learn to communicate well with you, and how to communicate your feelings to each other . The important thing is to learn to work together as a team and find productive solutions to your family problems.

When to seek help

If you and your family are dealing with any of the following situations, parent coaching can help.

Divorce

When children’s parents split up, many issues can come to the surface. Your children may feel forced to choose a favorite parent. Some children feel obligated to be the parent. The stress and confusion of your divorce can negatively impact them in ways you may not be able to see. With the help of a parent coach, you can learn to meet your child’s needs while also taking care of your own.

A sudden change in your child’s attitude

Does your child seem quieter and more reserved than usual? Did their grades in school take a nose dive? Do you find yourselves fighting often over small things? Did your positive relationship suddenly, and without warning, turn bitter and resentful? A parent coach can assess the situation from an objective place and help you uncover the cause of your child’s sudden attitude change.

Behavioral issues

If your child is disrespectful? Do you suspect that your child is engaging in reckless or illegal behavior, a parent coach can help you communicate your concerns, set firm boundaries, and work to correct the behavior.

Sudden life change

Are you moving to a new city? Is your child starting a new school? Did you or your child recently experience the death of a loved one? Whatever life throws at you, a parent coach can help you withstand the impact of a sudden life change – so you can continue to provide your child with the emotional support and security they need.

There’s no shame in seeking help

There’s a common myth that good parents know how to raise children instinctively – as if everything you need to know about parenting suddenly becomes clear the moment your child is born. This misconception is why many parents feel embarrassed, ashamed and reluctant to ask for help. But there’s no shame in reaching out for guidance, especially because today’s generation lives in a culture saturated with new forms of technology. The techniques we learned from observing our own parents growing up simply aren’t relevant to today’s children.

As the world changes from generation to generation, so should our parenting methods. A good parent coach remains up-to-date with the latest in child psychology, research on family dynamics, and the impact of cultural trends on families.

So, if anything on the list above resonates with you or if you just want to be a better parent for your child, reach out to a parent coach. You’ll be glad you did.

Future Together? Analyze Your Relationship To See If You Have One

Is he the one? Is she?

You may come to a point in your relationship where you wonder about your future together.

Are you ready to put more effort into your relationship? Or does it seem to be going nowhere?

It’s not always easy to know what’s next. And deciding if you can commit to someone for a long time is a deeply personal decision. How will you make it?

Analyze Your Relationship By Asking These Questions

Taking a step back and objectively looking at your relationship is an important step to know what’s next for you both – a long-term commitment or going separate ways.

Ask yourself:

• Do we trust each other? – Trust is essential for real love and a successful relationship. That means you can be apart comfortably. You may long for each other, but not too much. You don’t feel happier when you’re away from your partner, nor do you feel completely insecure.

• Are we in the same boat? – Of course, that doesn’t mean you agree on everything. It means you must have the same goals, the same view of your future. When one of you wants to live carefree without children and the other wants to settle down and have a big family, there’s no long-term potential.

• Do we have respect for each other? – It means liking the essence of who your partner is, without wanting to change them. You can look past their little quirks and accept them for who they are, including their flaws. As a matter of fact, you’ve contemplated them meeting your parents.

• Can we talk openly? – You can’t have a good relationship without good communication. So, you should be able to speak about everything that’s on your mind and tell them things that you won’t tell anyone else.

• Are we equals and share equally? – This includes putting the same amount of work into the relationship, neither one taking or giving a lot more. You should also both be comfortable accepting and sharing things willingly. Never should you feel obligated to do something for your partner just because they did something nice for you.

• Can we agree to disagree? – You have to be able to disagree and get over it without holding a grudge. That includes listening to and taking your partner seriously, even when you think they’re totally wrong. Your goal is to work out your differences and be supportive during hard times, stress, and bad moods.

• Do we enjoy being together? – You should appreciate sharing the simple pleasures of life – like laughing together. Your partner should attract you, not only for their physical attributes but perhaps even despite them. Chemistry is an important ingredient in a healthy future together. It has little to do with physical beauty.

• Are we comfortable being ourselves? – That means you don’t mind showing your weaknesses to your partner. It also means, when things don’t go right, they’re the one you go to for comfort. And it means you feel like yourself around each other, without the need to edit thoughts or feel anxious and self-conscious. You pretty much understand each other, even without a word.

• Do we bring out the best in each other? – Certainly, your partner can’t be everything for you. But they should be able to complement the best part of you. Being with them should make you feel like a better person, not a worse one.

The fact is, relationships are complicated. They may begin happily, but then become negative or stale without you realizing it. So, there is no easy answer to figuring out your future together. But, if you take a moment and reflect on these questions, you may be better equipped to know what’s next. If you find that you need help and guidance in discussing the next steps for your relationship, a qualified couples counselor can help you navigate the next steps.

14 Step-Parenting DOs & DON'Ts

Blending families and step-parenting are sure to bring challenges, and it often creates stress in your relationship with your partner. Here are a few DOs & DON’Ts for step-parents to consider to help make the transition to being a stepmom or stepdad a little smoother.

1. DON’T expect an immediate blended family.
2. DO go slowly.
3. DO choose activities that bond you as a family.
4. DO create new family activities and traditions.
5. DO let your spouse and his or her child to have their own private time.
6. DON’T get upset on Mother’s / Father’s Day.
7. DO prepare yourself for “You are not my dad/mom.”
8. DO accept your stepchild for who they are.
9. DO be flexible in what your stepchild calls you.
10. DON’T feel every holiday must be spent together.
11. DO be prepared for a child’s rejection.
12. DO recognize your stepchild may show love in different ways.
13. DO respect a stepchild’s need for privacy and decorum.
14. DON’T feel you need to solve every problem.

Remember that you must find time to take care of yourself, and attend to your relationship with you partner. Children benefit from knowing that your relationship with your spouse is strong and that it is a priority for each of you.

(Excerpted from Stepparenting: 50 One-Minute DOs & DON’Ts for Stepdads & Stepmoms by Randall Hicks)

Your Relationship is Heading Where? Ask Yourself These Questions

By Janie McMahan, MA, LMFT

Is he the one? Is she?

You may come to a point in your relationship where you wonder about your future together.

Are you ready to put more effort into your relationship? Or does it seem to be going nowhere?

It’s not always easy to know what’s next. And deciding if you can commit to someone for a long time is a deeply personal decision. How will you make it?

Analyze Your Relationship to See If You Have a Future Together

Taking a step back to look objectively at your relationship is an important step. It’s important to know what’s next for you both – a long-term commitment or going your separate ways.

Ask yourself:

• Do we trust each other? Trust is essential for real love and a successful relationship. That means you can be apart comfortably. You may long for each other, but not too much. You don’t feel happier when you’re away from your partner, nor do you feel completely insecure.

• Are we in the same boat? Of course, that doesn’t mean you agree on everything. It means you must have the same goals, the same view of your future. When one of you wants to live carefree without children and the other wants to settle down and have a big family, there’s no long-term potential.

• Do we have respect for each other? It means liking the essence of who your partner is, without wanting to change them. You can look past their little quirks and accept them for who they are, including their flaws. As a matter of fact, you’ve contemplated introducing them to your parents.

• Can we talk openly? You can’t have a good relationship without good communication. So, you should be able to speak openly about what is on your mind and tell them things you won’t tell anyone else.

• Are we equals and share equally? This includes putting the same amount of work into the relationship, neither of you taking or giving a lot more. You should also both be comfortable accepting and sharing things willingly. Never should you feel obligated to do something for your partner just because they did something nice for you.

• Can we agree to disagree? You have to be able to disagree and get over it without holding a grudge. That includes listening and taking your partner seriously, even when you think they’re totally wrong. Your goal is to work out your differences in a respectful and kind manner. Be supportive during hard times, stress, and bad moods.

• Do we enjoy being together? You should appreciate sharing the simple pleasures of life – like laughing together. Your partner should attract you, and not just for their physical attributes. Chemistry is an important ingredient in a healthy relationship. Though, it has little to do with physical beauty.

• Are we comfortable being ourselves? That means you don’t mind showing your weaknesses to your partner. It also means, when things don’t go right, they’re the ones you go to for comfort. And it means you feel like yourself around each other, without the need to edit thoughts or feel anxious and self-conscious. You pretty much understand each other, even without a word.

• Do we bring out the best in each other? – Certainly, your partner can’t be everything for you. But they should be able to complement the best part of you. Being with them should make you feel like a better person.

The fact is, relationships are complicated. They may begin happily, then become negative or stale without your realizing it. Thus, there is no easy answer to figuring out future potential. But if you take a moment and reflect on these questions, you may be better equipped to prepare for whatever is next.

4 Important Topics to Discuss Before You Say "I Do!"

The time before marriage is filled with planning and preparation for your big day. You may be planning a large wedding event, or something much smaller and intimate. Either way, it’s a time of anticipation and excitement for you and your beloved.

Whether you have been together for years, or your relationship is taking the fast-track to the altar, there are important things to discuss with your partner before you say “I Do.”

You may be thinking you and your partner will simply deal with issues as they arise and work through them then. You may also believe that because you have known each other for a long time, you already know everything you need to know about how you and your partner feel about these important issues. That is a mindset that many soon-to-be-married couples have, and unfortunately, it can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, frustrations, and heightened conflict down the road.

Before you head to the alter, and before you say “I Do,” take some time to get to know how you and your partner feel about the following subjects. Discuss the questions under each topic and if you find you have different points of view, ask questions to better understand your partners position.

This is far from an exhaustive list of things to discuss before marriage, but it’s a start. As you explore these questions, you will likely find that you think of other discussion topics.

1. Romance & Intimacy

   Do you think dating or courting your partner ends after the wedding?

   In what ways do you plan to keep the romance alive throughout your married life?

   What do you need and want from your partner to keep the romance alive?

   Is physical intimacy or emotional intimacy equally important or is one more important than the other?

   How do you each define “emotional intimacy?”

2. Money & Finances

   How will you manage your money after marriage?

   Will you have joint financial accounts and bank cards?

   Do you want to have a separate account of your own?

   How do each of you feel about having debt?

   If you want to have children, how do you want to plan financially for growing your family?

   What are you goals for saving?

   Is retirement planning important to you now?

   Are you a spender or a saver, and how will you handle any conflicts if you differ on what to spend your money on?

   How would you handle tough financial times as a couple?

3. Family & Social Life

   How was conflict handled in your families of origin?

   How was money handled in your families of origin?

   Do you agree or disagree with the way your families of origin handled conflict and finances?

   Are you OK with your partner having separate friends and interests?

   Do you and your partner plan to share household duties? Do either of you expect your partner to assume defined roles in your marriage?

   Do you want to have children? How many? Do you think one parent should stay home after children are born?

   Do you prefer large social gatherings or smaller gatherings of a few close friends? How about your partner?

   If you are blending families, what roles will you have in the lives of your partner’s children?

4. Work & Career

   What do you expect from each other regarding success in your respective careers?

   How would you feel if one career took off, and the other was slower to grow?

   Are you equally ambitious in your careers?

   What does a balanced work and family life look like to each of you? Do you think it’s important to your relationship? How do you and your partner plan to achieve this balance if it is important to you?

   What if your partner wanted to make a career change or return to school? Is that something you would support?

If you find that you and your partner disagree on any of these questions, you may want to have a professional counselor facilitate discussion for you in premarital counseling sessions. Think of premarital counseling as an investment in your marriage and your future together. You won’t regret it!

Why It's Important to Have a Strong Friendship in Marriage

Marriage is all about romantic love – or that’s what the Hollywood movies would like us to believe.

Of course, love is at the core of marriage, including intimacy and romantic attraction, and love is what makes marriage different from all our other relationships.

But the marriages that overcome the many stress tests and the many conflicts, big and small, that inevitably crop up over a lifetime, the marriages that last, also have something else at their core: a strong friendship.

Seeing your partner as a friend and not as the fulfillment of a personal or cultural fantasy (in which case he or she can never be enough) is the most realistic foundation of a long-term relationship.

Characteristics of friendship

Friendships, it has been said, are the freest of all relationships. Friends are freely chosen, without pressure or obligation, and friendships express who we are. Friendship is also the most equal of all relationships. Friends have mutual respect, mutual curiosity about each other’s lives, and support each other unconditionally because they have each other’s best interests at heart – more so than their own selfish agenda.

A strong friendship is the best foundation for being a lifelong team.

How to maintain a strong friendship

The big stuff

Support your spouse in living a full life. If your partner wants to branch out professionally, travel more (or less), if he or she is faced with a major life decision, or wants something that you don’t want, stay curious, ask questions, and try to support your spouse in making the best choices for his or her own life. Not yours. A strong friendship rests on the fact that each of you is an individual. Undue pressure, coercion, emotional blackmail, and a sense of entitlement have no place in a strong friendship.

Of course, marriage is also a partnership in practical matters. But friends who respect and trust each other will also treat that partnership with trust and respect.

The small stuff

Life, however, consists largely of the small stuff. Most days don’t bring the big decisions, but every day is an opportunity to rediscover and reinforce your strong friendship with each other.

Show your spouse that you are paying attention – through small gifts, thoughtful remarks, and encouraging questions.

Suggest little things that lighten up your partner’s life – a short trip, a favorite food, participation in a favorite activity.

Be reliable when you execute the little tasks and helpful acts that your partner asks for, be honest when you make promises, and keep those that you make.

Stay engaged in conversation.

Create projects together and follow up regularly. Building things as a team strengthens the dynamics of your friendship by using them.

How to stay friends in tough times

Best friends can disagree without losing each other’s positive regard and support. Friends can even dare to be more honest with each other than everyone else, and during tough times in your marriage that might be necessary.

If you can trust and respect each other, even the biggest conflicts and challenges benefit from that honesty. If you are best friends, you can also approach your mutual mistakes more openly and with compassion.

The “friendship” frame of mind can help you to try to see the other person’s point of view. It can also help you stay realistic and remind you that your partner is an individual, a person who has chosen to be with you, and not the fairy tale prince or princess created in your own psyche. (That fairy tale prince or princess is actually a part of you that you project into someone else, expecting that someone else to rescue you and solve all your unresolved internal issues.)

The most important aspect of a strong friendship is, after all, mutuality – respect, trust, and freedom work both ways.

No matter how your relationship started out, it is never too late to focus on and expand a strong friendship in your marriage. A friendship that will last a lifetime, whatever happens.

Don't Forget to Plan Your Marriage While Planning Your Wedding

Getting married is a big deal.

And we’re not just talking about the dress, the guest list, the wedding cake…

All of those things can take up a lot of your time and attention, and of course you want to have a wonderful wedding day.

But your wedding day, as important as it is, is meant to celebrate the real thing: your marriage, your partnership as you’ll live it every day together. It’s just as important to plan your marriage as it is to plan your wedding.

“But we love each other, isn’t that enough?”

Love is the foundation of your marriage, but when it comes to conflicts, large or small, love is not enough, as the famous saying goes.

Love will help you to get through all the issues of your marriage with respect, compassion, and caring for each other, but you will also need a lot of other skills.

What if…

Yes, to plan your marriage you’ll have to think and talk about a whole list of scary ‘what ifs.’ And it is much better to talk about them before they happen than after.

Here are some of the things you should think about:

Communication patterns

This is quite possibly the most important aspect of any relationship since communication is involved in everything. Communication patterns can make or break a marriage.

Goals and expectations

It might sound like a silly question, but what do you actually expect from your marriage? ‘Happily ever after’ doesn’t count. Your answers to this question contain the real ‘values’ that you are going to base your marriage on.

• Work/life balance: How do both of you see the importance of career and home life? How much time do you want to spend together every day, every week? How can you support each other in that?

• Children: Do you both want children? How many? Another thing to consider is, you’ve both got your own childhood experiences – some good, some bad, maybe some horrible. These experiences will influence each of your parenting styles. Can you discuss your childhood experiences and work together to overcome any problems or differences of opinion about child rearing?

• Money: More marriages break up because of money problems than for any other reason. Think about it, before marriage you both have your own financial life in terms of earnings, saving habits, and spending patterns. Merging your finances is a big deal. You need to develop trust and practical skills to share that responsibility.

• Conflicts: All marriages go through conflicts. Avoidance doesn’t work. The best way to deal with conflict is to acknowledge it is there and learn strategies to find out what each partner really wants. It’s all about learning how to argue with respect and openness, and how to stay with the present conflict instead of descending into resentment.

The issues that come up in a marriage are the same issues that each partner already has, magnified by an intimate partnership. To better understand how you each feel about these issues, help is available.

Pre-marital counseling and couples counseling

Couples usually come to marriage counseling when there are already serious issues in the marriage. Sometimes very late in the process.

Pre-marital counseling is a form of prevention – a little bit like adopting a healthy life style and getting a checkup instead of waiting until a serious health problem occurs.

And prevention is usually less costly and less dangerous.

Who can provide pre-marital counseling?

Look for an experienced, licensed couples or family counselor who will approach your relationship with an open mind. He or she will ask you personalized questions and observe the dialogue between you and your partner.

Your counselor will be able to help you identify the areas you need to work on before you get married.

Think about it like this: you’re willing to employ a wedding planner for one event. Your counselor will help you plan a marriage that lasts a life time!